Movie Review #2-Wizards

Well readers, I’m coming out of left field with the 1977 film “Wizards.” This is easily one of the most obscure films I’ve ever seen and before I saw it, I noticed there are very few reviews out there for this movie, so I had no clue what to expect. When I got through it… oh my god. There were just some things that I could never adequately explain, so I took a few pictures with my cell phone. I apologize if they may not be of good quality. Readers, this may be one of the few in-depth looks at this movie, lets see if it holds up to scrutiny.

Ok, we begin with a narrator setting the scene: Humanity is all but wiped out by nuclear war and radiation clouds turn any survivors into mutants. After a while, elves (think Keebler), dwarves (not very relevant) and fairies (who apparently prefer their women remain topless or naked at all times) pop up out of the ground and just kind of build a society. Then the narrator cuts to a scene of this random elf lady at some party and she looks up at an overcast sky and decides to enter her house for no discernable reason.

So far this is fairly easy to follow, but the movie begins to throw some curveballs. So at this time, her fellow party-goers go check on her and discover the following scene: She is in bed, she has aged about 50 years and has given birth to twin babies. No explanation at all. This is the first two minutes of the movie.

So these babies are the main characters of the movie. One is Avatar, the kind and good child. The other is Black Wolf who as the narrator puts it “spends his time torturing small animals.” As this line comes out, little Black Wolf looks at a baby deer and using black magic, turns it into a dragon. I don’t think that’s torture; I find that kind of awesome.

I think I need to backpedal a little and establish one point: this movie is animated. I’m cutting this movie a break because it is the 70’s, so it pretty much involves the animated characters moving on a still background. This movie uses a lot of stock footage too (this is a big deal later).

Anyway, the mother dies and the two kids fight. There’s also this theme of technology (represented by Black Wolf) versus magic (alluding to nature and represented by Avatar). Avatar defeats Black Wolf, who gets banished and has to live in a wasteland. Avatar goes on to be the leader of the free world of sorts.

Fast forward a few years and Black Wolf has grown to be one creepy mofo.


He is still at odds with his brother and with the whole “tech vs. magic” theme going, he sends a robot assassin to kill everybody that believes in magic. This assassin isn’t fucking around either; he kills an old man as he is reading to a group of children. He also chases some minor character around, but that scene really isn’t important.

Avatar grows up, actually he doesn’t grow up. He’s a midget. He is some boozehound who is kind of an asshole. So Avatar and some dude that looks like Voldo from Soul Caliber are talking about stuff and SWEET JESUS BOOBIES!!


This slutty looking fairy is Eleanor, who is kind of an odd character. She has big boobs. For a fairy, she’s pretty tall. She has big boobs. Despite her slutty outfit, everyone is cool with her and don’t make any sexual remarks toward her. She has big boobs. This may not be visible in the picture above, but the artist actually took the time to make the outlines of her nipples visible through her outfit. Reason why she is in the movie: She has big boobs.

The narrator pulls away from the boobies to provide some background on the war between Avatar and Black Wolf. Black Wolf is the ruler of the mutants in the wasteland and he repeatedly sends them into Avatars land to attack. There are some issues with this: even though the mutants are twice the size of the elves, they are intimidated by them and often lack the motivation to attack them. Pissed at their incompetence, he tells them to dig “pre-holocaust artifacts” which turn out to be tanks and warplanes.

Cut back to Avatar, Voldo and Boobies having a discussion when the assassin busts in and mows Voldo the fuck down. Fight ensues, Avatar stuns assassin and Boobies is flipping some serious shit (apparently Voldo was her father). Cut back to Black Wolf in his evil throne room and oh sweet mother of god…


Yes, that is in fact a swastika. While digging for artifacts, Black Wolf comes across a movie projector that plays Nazi propaganda films (these are actual black and white films) featuring his new role model, Adolf Hitler. This movie just took me some place I didn’t think I was going to go. So Black Wolf comes up with this idea that he can inspire his troops with these films just as he was inspired.


So he shows his troops the footage and (channeling Mark Madden) they all get FIRED UP. They may not understand German, but after seeing the face of Hitler, they’re ready to wreak some shit. They head off to what in my expert opinion is the most fucked up battle scene in the history of cinema.

The elves see the mutants coming and they don’t care because they always win. Black Wolf is with his army and with the movie projector, projects the image of Hitler and the Nazis into the sky.

The elves are absolutely shocked. They are confused, dumbfounded and utterly flabbergasted by this (some of the best WTF faces in the history of animation). They are so shocked that they ignore the fact they are being attacked and get slaughtered. Somebody actually thought of that. What a genius.

Word reaches Avatar and Boobies about the projector and they with the help of some dude and the assassin (who is on their side now), they set out to destroy the projector. I’m not going to explore the story any further because this is a movie where I actually do not want to reveal the ending for those who haven’t seen it. A host of fucked up stuff happens, an acid trip, fairy hookers and an old man spanking another old man’s bare ass with a two-by-four.

Final Score: 8/10

For a low budget, non-Disney animated film from the 70’s; this is a pretty good movie. It uses stock footage creatively and the story moves along quickly (only 1 hr. 17 min.). This movie is so nuts, so random and fucked up; I like it. This is a movie that some people may like and some may hate, but I recommend watching it (even if only for the battle scene with the Hitler footage). The boobies also helped this score.



-Brian