N64 Game Review #4- Mario Tennis

Games of this type often present somewhat of a dilemma when it comes to creating a solid review. The main problem I had when attempting to start this particular article was my inability to stop playing the game. I can’t very well hold the ridiculously shaped N64 controller and attempt to type coherent paragraphs simultaneously. This realization brought me to a crossroads. Should I give up on life and simply continue enjoying match after match of over-the-top tennis action? Or should I get my shit together and follow my life’s passion, which has recently become writing a review for each of the millions of N64 games that I possess? As you can clearly see, I chose the latter. There will be plenty of opportunity for merriment at a later date. For now, we all must continue to grind away and achieve our goals. But enough with the pep-talk. We have cartridges to discuss.

I knew from the second that I reverently lofted the standard gray cartridge that writing a completely unbiased review would be impossible. This game brought me so much joy as a child, and writing a bad review for it would pretty much equate to punching Santa Claus right in his fat face. I did, however, attempt to truly evaluate whether or not this game stood the test of time. If I had never played it before, would I still enjoy its ridiculous tennis action? In a word: YES. I’m really not even certain what to write about this game. It has basically zero flaws, and has stood the test of time admirably. Instead of wasting your time with this nonsense, I encourage all of you to go and play it yourselves. But just in case you haven’t lost interest already, here are a few particulars.

Character Selection


This game has a decent number of characters to choose from, including all of the classics that you’ve no doubt come to expect. Also present is the standard allotment of character bastardizations such as Waluigi. These characters have (unfortunately) come to be expected as well, so there really isn’t any use in complaining about their presence. I do refuse to use them, however, in a futile form of protest.

Gameplay

This game is fun, addicting, and backed by smooth controls. This happens to be a potent combination, and I’m sure that many have found themselves wasting their days away playing match after match.

Game Modes

One of the only things this game lacks is variety. There really aren’t any mini-games to speak of, save for the one where you attempt to guide the ball through golden rings that hover above the court. That isn’t to say that the ring mini-game isn’t fun in its own right. I just think that a few more different types would have added to the overall experience. The basic choices for game modes are the standard exhibition match or a number of tournaments of varying levels, all of which provide a sufficient challenge.


Final Thoughts



I realize that this review is fairly short and to the point, and I think that it comes with the territory. Not every game needs a 1500 word review, particularly a pick-up-and-play Mario sports title. To conclude, I would like to say that I highly recommend this game to everyone who enjoys having a good time. Start looking for more frequent reviews pretty soon, as well as a resurgence of some other content from our other writers.


FINAL SCORE: 9.5/10


This game isn’t perfect, but its damn near close. This is certainly one of the better Mario sports titles ever created, and you would be foolish not to give it a shot.

-Joe

Movie Review #3-What's Eating Gilbert Grape

I apologize for the lateness of this review and the others that are supposed to run. Nothing would make everyone happier at Zeminican Productions than if we could put up reviews every week, but sometimes life catches up to us. Anyway...

I got a new movie review and guess what? It’s not animated, yay! Thing is,this movie doesn’t make me go yay, it’s kind of depressing. If I wanted to see a sad Napoleon Dynamite, I’d turn to the 1993 film “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.” Note the title sounds like a question, but it’s really a sentence. That makes no sense.

The movie goes through the life of Gilbert (played by Johnny Depp) whose life sucks ass, and the movie doesn’t hesitate to remind me of this. Gilbert is the caretaker of his family, which includes his morbidly obese mother (we’ll get to her), his two sisters (one older, one younger, both bitches) and the autistic Arnie, his younger brother (played by Leonardo DiCaprio). He also has an older brother and a father, but the brother ran away and his father hanged himself, good times.

The death of Gilbert’s father is the reason why his mother is obese and since the family lives in small-town Iowa, everyone is fascinated with her fat ass. Little kids pay Gilbert and agree to play with Arnie just to peep through the window at that whale of a woman. She has not left the house in seven years and all she does is eat. She complains a lot too, cause she’s fat.

I’m not sure what to make of autistic Leo DiCaprio, every time I see him act… retarded, I think of Robert Downy Jr. in “Tropic Thunder” making that line about “going full retard.” DiCaprio GOES full retard. He’s got the autistic mannerisms down pat. His shtick gets annoying at times, but I have to admit, it’s some quality acting.

So this movie shows various scenarios that depict how depressing Gilbert’s life is. Example, the only way he can amuse himself in town is to try to bang this married lady whose twice his age, this sounds nice except he gets cock-blocked by the lady’s husband. It’s a sad day when Johnny Depp can’t get laid. His sisters also bitch him out for no reason and force him to bathe Arnie. He is too polite to say something his mother about being fat and has to hide the fact that he is reinforcing the floors of the house so she doesn’t break the foundation by moving (their house is shitty). Arnie does dumb shit to make life difficult for Gilbert by making loud noises and climbing the water tower (which everyone finds to be very entertaining).

So the monotony is broken up by meeting Becky, a travelling trailer chick who gives Gilbert the idea that maybe he should leave town (yeah, they fall in love too, who da thunk it). Whether or not he does this, I won’t say. This movie barely crosses the threshold where it’s watchable enough where I’m not going to reveal the ending.

Final Score: 6/10

This is basically sad Napoleon Dynamite. It isn’t bad, it doesn’t bring anything that makes it great either. It’s a solid Depp film and DiCaprio is a very convincing retard. I didn’t like how the movie ended either, there was a certain scene where I thought that should have been the end, but the movie went on. It’s mediocre at best.

-Brian