Kirby's Dream Course

Guten tag frieunden. Today I will describe Kirby's Dream Course, a very non-popular game for the Super Nintendo. Created in the latter portion of 1994, it was shrouded in obscurity till it was discovered in the late fifth grade by Konrad M. He later showed it to me and I was taken by its simplistic, yet riveting game play, early 1990's electronic-jazz music, and pre-directx graphics.

So you might be asking, what exactly is this game? Well, you're in for quite a surprise. Kirby's dream course is a mini-golf game with a Kirby theme to it. The game starts with an intro video which I have yet to see. The main menu has a flamboyant Kirby with the game title behind it. Pressing the start key in my Logitech rumble pad, I enter single player mode and enter my name. And by entering my name, I actually draw it out with a pencil on the game. Such a futuristic feature for a game that was made when I first learned how to integrate e^x dx. Oh how the days have gone by. But back to the game. The first level is an introduction to the game in which Kirby must run over three enemies that are positioned as a triangle.


Kirby can launch himself into the air with different levels of front AND backspin and with right/left spin or remain on the ground with right/left spin. As Kirby lines up a shot and fires a tomato is used up. If he extinguishes his four tomatoes without replacing them he feints due to over exertion and promptly kills himself following his awakening. Tomatoes can only be replenished if Kirby runs into an opponent or finishes the level. Once there is only one enemy left, the enemy becomes the hole in which Kirby must go into to finish the level. If Kirby manages to get a hole in one he receives an extra life.

As the game progresses, the levels introduce new enemies. Some of these enemies give Kirby a special power such as amazing vertical jumps, or freezing so that Kirby can freeze a pool of water and skate over it, or even to turn into a rock and fall straight out of the air while ignoring the principle of conservation of momentum. There are a plethora of skills that Kirby can acquire, but I can not list them all.

As the game continues, the levels become harder and the themes become darker. As Kirby tries to make his way to the end of the level he reminisces about the days when he was a heroin addict underneath the Golden Gate bridge; covered in filth and vomit but what college student isn't? But through the enlightenment of mini golf he managed to escape his old life and now a successful stock broker and video game character.

My final words in this review is that you have to try to the game and then decide what to think of it. Many people have turned away in disgust, but others have taken comfort in its innocent nature.

FINAL SCORE: 7/10

N64 Game Review #3- Quest 64

The prospect of reviewing this game gave me a sort of Christmas-like anticipatory feeling. Except on THIS Christmas morning, rather than being greeted by a boatload of presents, I fully expected to be greeted by a dirty man wearing red taking a shit in my mouth. For this reason, it took me much longer than planned to work up the courage to even load up this game. As it turns out, however, critics who hail this game as "the absolute worst of all time" and my childhood nightmares might not be completely accurate after all.

Quest 64 opens in mid conversation between a character who is presumably to be user-controlled and some sort of authority figure, quite possibly the king of Shit Village. In any event, no background is given and you are informed that you've been insisting to go out and save your father, despite being a child (Your character appears to be about 6 years old. No exaggeration). Your character is named Brian, which makes no sense considering that the dialogue in the game is completely text-based and a new name could be chosen without any consequence. Regardless, the King tells you to go to some village with an exceedingly long name and speak with the king of said village. It sounds easy enough, but it ends up being close to impossible.After traveling down hundreds of staircases in the castle and arriving at the bottom, you step out into the world. Its shouldn't be to hard to find Ononomonoghtville, right? Well if it weren't for the notable absence of any map, it might not be such an ordeal. As it is, however, the only navigation tool you possess is a crude compass in the upper right-hand corner. Its small size basically renders it useless in any practical situation. And since no directional advice was given concerning your destination town, it has no use whatsoever. At this point I saw a road, chose a direction, and hoped for the best.

It was on this road that I had my first taste of battle. The battle system of this game is actually pretty unique, all things considered. You and each of your opponents have a certain radius where movement is allowed. You have four different elemental attacks at your disposal, and each one requires a different range for maximum effectiveness, creating a need for a little strategic planning. The problem, however, is that you enter into a random encounter every three or four steps. This eventually becomes VERY tedious, and I found myself cursing Brian's lack of monster dodging skill. I couldn't figure out to heal aside from the healing spell that you eventually unlock, and this led to a few premature deaths.
To be honest, I actually didn't get very far in this game, when playing it as a child or presently. This is mostly because the first boss is apparently unbeatable. At the very least I was unable to beat him, save for the time that I used Game Shark enhancement. The boss is some sort of bandit that you're supposed to bring to justice in order to proceed to the next town. I'm not entirely sure, as the premise is pretty weak, and depth of story isn't exactly this game's strong suit. Either way, I got a pretty good feel for all major aspects of the game, and I feel qualified to grade it based on that alone. I never claimed that these reviews were particularly in-depth, and playing the games for only a short time is the only way I can possibly make it through my entire collection in a timely manner. Also, combining these contemporary impressions with childhood memories makes for some interesting scores.

FINAL SCORE: 5/10

Instead of a mouthful of shit, Santa gave me a nice little gaming diversion.

This game doesn't do anything particularly well, but it doesn't do anything exceedingly poorly either. Therefore it is decidedly average. Quest 64 tries to be more than what it is, namely an epic adventure. And while there is nothing epic about this game, it does provide some fleeting entertainment. Oh, the music actually isn't half bad either, just a little repetitive. I don't recommended this game for those looking to be entertained, and rather those who like to say that they "survived" things. You know who you are.

-Joe

Movie Review #2-Wizards

Well readers, I’m coming out of left field with the 1977 film “Wizards.” This is easily one of the most obscure films I’ve ever seen and before I saw it, I noticed there are very few reviews out there for this movie, so I had no clue what to expect. When I got through it… oh my god. There were just some things that I could never adequately explain, so I took a few pictures with my cell phone. I apologize if they may not be of good quality. Readers, this may be one of the few in-depth looks at this movie, lets see if it holds up to scrutiny.

Ok, we begin with a narrator setting the scene: Humanity is all but wiped out by nuclear war and radiation clouds turn any survivors into mutants. After a while, elves (think Keebler), dwarves (not very relevant) and fairies (who apparently prefer their women remain topless or naked at all times) pop up out of the ground and just kind of build a society. Then the narrator cuts to a scene of this random elf lady at some party and she looks up at an overcast sky and decides to enter her house for no discernable reason.

So far this is fairly easy to follow, but the movie begins to throw some curveballs. So at this time, her fellow party-goers go check on her and discover the following scene: She is in bed, she has aged about 50 years and has given birth to twin babies. No explanation at all. This is the first two minutes of the movie.

So these babies are the main characters of the movie. One is Avatar, the kind and good child. The other is Black Wolf who as the narrator puts it “spends his time torturing small animals.” As this line comes out, little Black Wolf looks at a baby deer and using black magic, turns it into a dragon. I don’t think that’s torture; I find that kind of awesome.

I think I need to backpedal a little and establish one point: this movie is animated. I’m cutting this movie a break because it is the 70’s, so it pretty much involves the animated characters moving on a still background. This movie uses a lot of stock footage too (this is a big deal later).

Anyway, the mother dies and the two kids fight. There’s also this theme of technology (represented by Black Wolf) versus magic (alluding to nature and represented by Avatar). Avatar defeats Black Wolf, who gets banished and has to live in a wasteland. Avatar goes on to be the leader of the free world of sorts.

Fast forward a few years and Black Wolf has grown to be one creepy mofo.


He is still at odds with his brother and with the whole “tech vs. magic” theme going, he sends a robot assassin to kill everybody that believes in magic. This assassin isn’t fucking around either; he kills an old man as he is reading to a group of children. He also chases some minor character around, but that scene really isn’t important.

Avatar grows up, actually he doesn’t grow up. He’s a midget. He is some boozehound who is kind of an asshole. So Avatar and some dude that looks like Voldo from Soul Caliber are talking about stuff and SWEET JESUS BOOBIES!!


This slutty looking fairy is Eleanor, who is kind of an odd character. She has big boobs. For a fairy, she’s pretty tall. She has big boobs. Despite her slutty outfit, everyone is cool with her and don’t make any sexual remarks toward her. She has big boobs. This may not be visible in the picture above, but the artist actually took the time to make the outlines of her nipples visible through her outfit. Reason why she is in the movie: She has big boobs.

The narrator pulls away from the boobies to provide some background on the war between Avatar and Black Wolf. Black Wolf is the ruler of the mutants in the wasteland and he repeatedly sends them into Avatars land to attack. There are some issues with this: even though the mutants are twice the size of the elves, they are intimidated by them and often lack the motivation to attack them. Pissed at their incompetence, he tells them to dig “pre-holocaust artifacts” which turn out to be tanks and warplanes.

Cut back to Avatar, Voldo and Boobies having a discussion when the assassin busts in and mows Voldo the fuck down. Fight ensues, Avatar stuns assassin and Boobies is flipping some serious shit (apparently Voldo was her father). Cut back to Black Wolf in his evil throne room and oh sweet mother of god…


Yes, that is in fact a swastika. While digging for artifacts, Black Wolf comes across a movie projector that plays Nazi propaganda films (these are actual black and white films) featuring his new role model, Adolf Hitler. This movie just took me some place I didn’t think I was going to go. So Black Wolf comes up with this idea that he can inspire his troops with these films just as he was inspired.


So he shows his troops the footage and (channeling Mark Madden) they all get FIRED UP. They may not understand German, but after seeing the face of Hitler, they’re ready to wreak some shit. They head off to what in my expert opinion is the most fucked up battle scene in the history of cinema.

The elves see the mutants coming and they don’t care because they always win. Black Wolf is with his army and with the movie projector, projects the image of Hitler and the Nazis into the sky.

The elves are absolutely shocked. They are confused, dumbfounded and utterly flabbergasted by this (some of the best WTF faces in the history of animation). They are so shocked that they ignore the fact they are being attacked and get slaughtered. Somebody actually thought of that. What a genius.

Word reaches Avatar and Boobies about the projector and they with the help of some dude and the assassin (who is on their side now), they set out to destroy the projector. I’m not going to explore the story any further because this is a movie where I actually do not want to reveal the ending for those who haven’t seen it. A host of fucked up stuff happens, an acid trip, fairy hookers and an old man spanking another old man’s bare ass with a two-by-four.

Final Score: 8/10

For a low budget, non-Disney animated film from the 70’s; this is a pretty good movie. It uses stock footage creatively and the story moves along quickly (only 1 hr. 17 min.). This movie is so nuts, so random and fucked up; I like it. This is a movie that some people may like and some may hate, but I recommend watching it (even if only for the battle scene with the Hitler footage). The boobies also helped this score.



-Brian