Movie Review #1-Star Wars: The Clone Wars

While Joe is plugging along with his N64 reviews, I’ll be providing a change of pace with some movie reviews. I’m doing this to prove that I can contribute to this site by doing more than just slapping people/getting slapped by people (crossing fingers to hope “The Four Seasons” sees the light of day). There’s no rhyme or reason to what I’m choosing; I just pick random movies.

Fun Fact: I’m a fan of the Star Wars movies, video games and other assorted stuff. The 1977-1983 films are ageless and while the prequels don’t live up to their predecessors, they at the least were fun to look at. I totally forgot there was an animated Star Wars film (Star Wars: The Clone Wars) that came out in theaters last year. This is probably because it was bad, but because of my fandom of the Star Wars pathos, I felt compelled to see The Clone Wars.

Well I put the movie on and it took about 5 seconds for me to cringe. Instead of opening with the iconic scrolling text set to the music of John Williams, I get some Phil Collins-esque bongo drum remix of the original theme while some corny narrator establishes what is going on this movie: war between Jedi/Clones and Sith/Droids, Samuel L. Jackson is in this movie (Note to self: I should write a post about how Samuel L. Jackson is the biggest movie whore ever), and infant Jabba the Hutt has been kidnapped. The last point apparently is the plot of this movie, although it never really is established why this is important, it has something to do with territory, but whatever.

Before I go on about the movie, lets talk about the animation. George Lucas is a billionaire; there is no excuse for this animation to be this bad. He should have enough money to bankroll a half-decent animation studio or to at least bribe a few Pixar guys to help out. My main issue is with the character’s faces, the lips do not match the voices and they look as if it is forbidden for any humanoid character to have a rounded face in this movie. Forget the lightsabers, it looks like Obi-Wan can stab fools with his pointy face.

So back to the plot, basically this is the format of scenes: fighting/action followed by dialogue/sassing which ends with forced humor and then the cycle starts over again. I’m amazed at how consistent this cycle is, I can almost exactly predict what is going to happen next in every scene. That’s just sad.

What “The Clone Wars” does that separates it from the other movies (besides by being animated) is introduce new characters and force humor on the viewer. Let’s start with infant Jabba the Hutt, since apparently it’s central to the movie and it’s existence opens up a variety of questions: How was it born? How do Jabbas procreate? Is it like watching two snails go at it?

Samuel L. Jackson’s only contribution to this movie was the decision to have David Eckstein’s wife aka Asoka (Pictured below and I probably didn’t spell the name right) be Anakin Skywalker’s apprentice. She is annoying as hell. I’d like to poke her giant bug eyes out every time she opens her mouth. Her whole repertoire of acting consists of complaining and “I going prove myself!” type speeches. One word sums her up: Unnecessary.

There’s also a bunch of other random stuff going on: a female R2-D2, a medical droid that sounds high, they show two aliens making out for a few seconds (Yeah, they go there) and this running gag about droids being sassy that never is funny. The evil battle droids from the prequels now speak in this movie, spouting stuff like “Oh no!” and “Let’s get out of here!” This makes no sense at all because they say this and then march face first in cannon fire. If it looks like they value their lives, why are they walking towards their doom? The clones are dumb as hell as well, they run right into the droids that are shooting at them and then they act surprised that they’re getting slaughtered. Most of the action scenes involving the clones and droids just running headfirst into each other, it’s not that exciting, especially because none of the main characters are involved, which makes these scenes irrelevant. The Phil Collins music isn’t helping either.

I recall exactly one scene that made me chuckle, after a dialogue scene (Note the cycle), the movie cuts to a random shot of R2-D2 in a desert, a Jawa walks up to R2-D2 and gets tasered by R2-D2. Cut, end of scene. It had no purpose whatsoever, but I liked it because it was the only unpredictable scene in this whole movie.

Yeah, the movie plays out predictably, Anakin, Obi-Wan and David Eckstein’s wife rescue mini-Jabba and all is right in the universe. There’s a few forgettable action scenes, some signature bad Star Wars dialogue, and there’s a few lightsaber battles for good measure. The movie just kind of ends with the characters just kind of staring at the camera, wondering what the hell to do next; cut to black.

Final Score: 5/10

Make no mistake; I think this movie was bad. I’m not that offended though, I look at this movie in the same light as the live action Super Mario Brothers movie, it has very little to do with the original material, but that doesn’t make it stab-your-eyes out bad. I’ve seen worse CG movies (Final Fantasy: Spirits Within comes to mind). I’m also cutting this movie a break for not having Jar Jar Binks in it, if it did, I would be a lot harsher. Hell, rent it if you’re one of those people who likes to laugh at shitty movies.

-Brian

N64 Game Review #2- Donald Duck: Goin' "Quackers"

I chose to review this game next using a strict grab-bag policy. Meaning that I literally reached my hand into a bag filled with all of my N64 games, rummaged around blindly, and chose one at total random. This is most likely the method I will use for all of my future selections unless I manage to set up some sort of request system. Also, the reviews should start coming in at least once a week, and most likely much more frequently.


I was pleasantly surprised when this game was pulled from my N64 tote bag. Not only had it been on my mind ever since I decided to write these reviews, but i figured that it would make for a quick and easy write-up. I definitely wasn't wrong in assuming this. Now that doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on the quality of the title. Some action and platformer titles just make for a quick play. As far as quality is concerned, my expectations were fairly mixed. The only Donald Duck type game that I remembered playing previously was Duck Tales on the NES. That was a winner, so i decided to keep an open mind.




The first thing about this title that surprised me was the instant presence of voice acting. I know that this wasn't unheard of in the N64's heyday, but it would certainly be fair to categorize it as uncommon. As an added bonus, it didn't sound garbled and ridiculous, something all of us have occasionally experienced with more advanced consoles. Now, just because the voice actors could be heard fairly clearly (as clearly as "duck-speak" is able to be audibly rendered) doesn't mean that their words had any substance behind them. I honestly didn't really even catch what the conflict of this game was. As far as I can tell, some evil duck wizard has allegedly stolen hundreds of teddy bears, and Donald can't go home until he travels the world and collects them all. If this sounds ridiculous, thats most likely because it is. I didn't, however, expect this game to have a deep and engaging plot, so lets call it a wash.


Donald Duck: Goin' "Quackers" consists of four worlds, each containing four levels and a boss. I played through the first world in its entirety, and that gave me more than an adequate understanding of how this game works. The levels are pretty much split evenly between side-scrolling action and linear forward third-person. This gives things a nice mix, and I found myself at least partially enjoying both types.
The objectives of each level are both simple and identical: find three teddy bears and once boss piece. Th boss piece looks like a golden pizza slice, and you need to locate all four (one in each level) before you can access the boss. In other words, you can't just blindly make your way through the level, because simply beating it will get you nothing if you don't find that piece. The teddy bears, on the other hand, are optional. I think. Its actually very difficult to tell what purpose those stuffed little mother fucks actually serve. After I had beaten the world one boss, I went back and collected all of the stupid bears. What I got for my trouble was a bonus level where the objective is to run towards the screen while an actual live bear chases you. And when you successfully conquer this level, a reward consisting of absolutely nothing is all that you receive. So I decided that the bears are useless, despite the fact that I thought the premise of the game was to collect them. Apparently I was wrong. Either way its entirely frustrating.

Now that we've covered the overview, there are a few specific mechanics that i would like to touch upon. Firstly, the HP system. The only indication you have of your proximity to certain death is an archaic face-reading system. It goes something like this: happy face, sad face, death. I kid you not. In the upper-right hand corner of the screen (you can clearly see it in the above screen shot) is Donald Duck's face. When he is smiling, you have two hits remaining. When he looks upset, you have but one hit remaining. After the second hit, you die. Its as simple as that. Well, as simple as a ridiculous face HP meter is likely to be. It wouldn't have been as bad if I had known of this little quirk from the start. But alas, I learned the hard way, as I'm sure did every other patron of this game (I imagine 10-year-olds crying in frustration).

One last qualm I have with this title is the presence of partial invincibility. Much like in popular titles such as Super Mario Brothers, certain items can be encountered on-screen that will render Donald invincible. In the case of this game, that invincibility-inducing item is a cupcake. Upon consuming the cupcake, Donald strikes a few poses and begins to swing his arms wildly in front of him, destroying every enemy in his path. Simple enough, right. Right, that is until I was jaunting merrily along, enjoying my alleged invincibility, when I hit a bush and died. That's right, I was killed by a bush that was barely even visible over the background of the level. So I guess even total vulnerability has its limits. Aside from that, however, the mechanics are actually pretty solid. Punching or jumping on an enemy causes them to disappear in a cloud of smoke, and Donald continues merrily on his way.

The first boss (pictured above) really couldn't have been that much easier to beat. You punch some new born chickens in the face, jump on a big fat chicken, and repeat the process two more times. Piece of cake.


All in all, Goin' Quackers actually isn't that bad of a game. While a tad frustrating, its also fun, entertaining, and brings out your inner child. Now if this were the year 2000, I definitely wouldn't recommend dropping 50 bucks on it. But I'm sure that these days you could pick it up for fairly cheap, and I kept that in mind while calculating the score.

FINAL SCORE: 6.75/10


-Joe

N64 Game Review #1- Rugrats in Paris: The Movie

Let me begin by saying that this is by far the best Rugrats game that I have ever played. I'm not saying that this magical title is impervious to future usurpers, but for now it stands alone as the king of baby games. That being said, this is also the only Rugrats game that I've ever played, and it does little to persuade me to expand that particular gaming library.

At first, Rugrats in Paris: The Movie (RIP for short. Ironic) actually fooled me into thinking that it was an adequate platformer for its time. This illusion lasted all of 45 seconds. I decided to change things up with this title and start my evaluation with the multiplayer mode. Basically, it consists of four minigames, three of which have very unclear goals. All of the mini-games are played with an alternating player system, and can support up to four players.

The first mini-game, ski ball, is what initially fooled me into believing that this game wasn't terrible. It actually seemed pretty straight-forward. Whoever scores the most points wins, right? Wrong. The entire points system is based entirely on the collection of tickets that arbitrarily appear along the path of the ball. The position of the tickets often interferes with the path that leads to the highest point locations, and it wasn't until after the round was over that I actually knew about the ticket scoring system. Needless to say, I just assumed that they were some kind of bonus, and proceeded to mostly ignore them and go for the big points. Expletives flowed like a river from my mouth when I realized my mistake.

The second mini game started me off in some sort of bumper boat-like device and gave absolutely no explanation as to what I was supposed to do. There were tickets laying around, and by now I had learned my lesson about their value and decided to collect them. Aside from the tickets, the only other things that provided any sort of interaction were these strange little statues that started dancing and singing if you knocked into them. I randomly decided that I was supposed to activate all of them at once. This proved impossible, however, and I ended up just collecting all of the tickets until time expired. I ended up scoring 13 points for literally puttering around and collecting tickets. I fail to understand how that qualifies as a game. Adding my accidental 3 first-round points to my total, I now had 16 points overall.

I failed to mention earlier that I had a choice of six Rugrats to choose from when I started the mini game challenge. I picked Tommy because I'm not an idiot and I know that he is the freshest baby around. The other choices are what you would typically expect: Chuckie, Angelica, Phil, Lil, and Chuckie's asian sister. The reason that I bring this up now is that in game #3, it doesn't matter who you chose to represent yourself. Because when the game started, I was a frog. It makes absolutely no sense that I would be controlling a frog. Last I checked, there were no green, slimy Rugrats. I don't think that there was even a black one, let alone one of a different species. All I'm saying is that this seems like a strange time for diversity. Anyway, this game actually was straightforward despite the frog issue. I was tasked with eating as many bugs as I could within a certain time limit. Essentially, I could rotate on my lily pad and stick my tongue out to ensnare my prey. I ended up snagging every single bug and was very proud of myself. Proud of myself, that is, until I saw my score for the round, which was a cold, hard ZERO. What the hell? I know that up until now the scoring was entirely based on ticket collection, but there weren't even any tickets in this game, just bugs and frogs! Cursing Christ for allowing this game to be created, I decided to hold off on killing myself and try out the last remaining game.

This game, called Bumper Cars, started me off in the same bumper boat vehicle as game number two, but instead of water, I was in a little bumper car arena with three other characters. The goal of this game was to have the most balloons at the end of a two minute period. Bumping the other characters caused them to ejaculate their balloons, after which they could be collected. I hit each character a few times until I built up a lead, then went and hid in a corner and watched the other idiots battle each other. They never thought to chase me. When the round ended, I had the most balloons and was therefore the winner. But I wasn't going to get my hopes up, because once again no tickets had been involved. However, the game arbitrarily awarded me six tickets for being the victor! Now why on earth couldn't it give me any fucking tickets for my epic bug snatching performance?! Some mysteries will never be solved, I suppose. Another question I have is why couldn't this game be played in split screen mode? Instead, it forces each player to alternate competing against three computer-controlled players. It just seems very inefficient.

Now that I had become sterile playing the mini-games, I figured that I might as well try the adventure mode, which, after all, is supposed to be the main reason for playing the game in general.

I once again selected Tommy from the same pool of characters, and promptly began my "adventure." I started off in Reptarland, a fictional amusement park that I'm guessing was featured in the actual film. The first thing I noticed was the presence of those god-forsaken tickets. With a heavy heart, I began to collect them while wandering around this amusement park wasteland. To say that the controls were loose would be a compliment. They were horrific. I would aim for a ticket, and end up hitting a wall a full three feet away. I mean, I get that babies aren't the most coordinated creatures, but can we just pretend for the sake of my sanity? For fuck's sake. Anyway, I honestly couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do besides wander around and collect those stupid tickets. I don't need to play a game for this kind of experience. I could just wander around some abandoned fairgrounds or something. It would probably be slightly more creepy and significantly more fun. I did keep seeing signs for mini games, but seeing as how they were the same damn games from multiplayer mode, I wasn't about to go anywhere near them. So instead I scoured the area and scrounged together about 13 tickets. I them accidentally located some sort of ticket exchange building in an obscure corner. I figured I would be living large, considering that I had just spent the last 15 minutes collecting all of the tickets in the area. I was quickly pulled back into reality, however, when I realized that the cheapest item was 60 tickets. I guess I was supposed to win more tickets by playing those awful mini-games, but I just didn't have any gas left in the tank. And besides, I have no idea what the items did or if they were in any way associated with advancing through the game. The one that cost 60 tickets was baseball glove, and I don't think that would be very useful to a baby. Frustrated, I switched the game off and walked away from this nightmare forever.

In conclusion, RIP is a terrible game, and I do not recommend it to anyone, unless you have some sort of baby fetish or are looking for a few laughs.

FINAL SCORE: 1.5/10

I don't care if it follows the movie or not. I wanted to follow IT with a hit of something. I gave it an extra .5 because the cartridge is black instead of the traditional gray.

-Joe

Grab That Branch

I'm fully aware of how many projects we keep promising to deliver. Let me assure you that progress is exactly what we expected at this point. We do, however, expect a slowdown these next few weeks with all of us heading back to our respective colleges. With that in mind, I just wanted to let everyone know that Sean and I, along with our good friend Brian, have been tossing around some ideas regarding possibly launching something that we could produce easily while in school and possibly provide episodic content for. Generally, we have considered creating some type of weekly review for a variety of media such as video games and movies. We have decided to review only things that haven't been tapped by the main online market yet (for example, we don't plan on covering things that have been reviewed by AVGN, The Nostalgia Critic, Spoony, etc.). We already have some very original ideas for content as well as format. We're pretty excited about it so i thought I would share some of our preliminary thoughts on here. We'll definitely provide more details as they come. Also, I'm fairly certain that I'm going to start doing some written video game reviews, so keep an eye out for that.

-Joe

Clash-tastic

Filming for The Four Seasons (working title) is currently at somewhat of a standstill. While what has occurred would simply be labeled as a "creative difference" in many circles, here at Zeminican Productions we like to provide the entire back story whenever possible.

Essentially, two of our actors are currently at odds. For those who have seen the video description, you know that the punishment for failure while competing within "The Course" is a firm, open-handed slap to the face. Well, lets suffice it to say that our loser took some personal offense at the force and perceived personal motivation behind said slap when it was administered on the set. Saying any more would give away the outcome of the challenge. But we promise to publish the entire story after the video is released, as we find it quite humorous.

All of that being said, both Brian and Tim have verbally agreed to complete work on the project. We hope to gather everyone over the next two weeks and wrap up filming. We're looking at an approximate filming deadline of August 22, with one or two weeks after that designated for editing. Hopefully it won't take nearly that long, considering that scene 3, which is the bulk of the project, is already more or less completely edited.

Right now we're shooting for the beginning of next week to resume filming. More to come as soon as we have some definite plans.

-Joe